Not Above Being Small

What do you do when someone close to you is living your dream — and you’re stuck to merely observe?

How do you feel?

You should be happy for them; smile and be grateful that they are having amazing experiences.  Right?

Well, I’m just not that mature.

I’ll tell you what I do: I sulk, I cry (a lot), I get crazy and angry (“crangy”?), I try to tune out the pain (and the person) by attempting to build up a wall (which hasn’t worked yet).

Frankly, I revel in self-pity.

And, because I am not above being small, I passionately disdain and resent them and/or the circumstance so bitterly that it spews out from me without end.

I know none of these are positive or helpful.  But they are real.

I am real.  Life is real.  Dang it, disappointment is real.

When I’m submerged in the moment of despair, survival is better than the alternative.

I’ll get over it.  We all do — or should, at least.

Sometimes though the emotions are just so raw that even I, an ‘extroverted extrovert’ who loves to talk about everything, can’t find the adequate words because it’s just too intense.

Our own issues never seem as bad to others; they just don’t grasp the magnitude.

And maybe — just maybe — our problems aren’t truly as grave as they appear in the moment.

Try telling that to emotions, though.  Logic has never resolved any of my hurt feelings.

So I swallow it, and hope it won’t poison me too much.

In random moments when I’m feeling not quite as broken and I’m tired of carrying the burden myself, I try to give it to One who is bigger than myself.  One who knows how I feel without having to utter any words.

I know that by “keepin’ on keepin’ on” the intensity eventually subsides.  Maybe then the words — and healing — will come.

But until then, it’s best just to leave it alone.  Otherwise the fire-breathing dragon will rear its ugly face to cause even more damage — and there’s already way too much.


Do you consider yourself a ‘small’ person?  Or are you usually able to take the high road?  I’d love to hear how you cope with intense hurt, disappointment or jealousy.

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  1. Julie says:

    I definitely take my hurt or disappointment to God. I also remind myself that no one can hurt me, but me. If I allow myself thoughts that bring me down, then I feel down. If I try to find a better thought about a situation (that is also believable) and more positive, then I try to focus on that thought and often I feel much better!

    1. stephanieherb says:

      Wow, those are the best things you can do — but sooo difficult! I’m very impressed and hope I can become more like that!

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